Struggling With Acne

Similar to most people, my teenage years were scary and confusing. Which is understandable considering how pretty much everything changes. School gets harder, people become meaner, voices deepen, hair grows, feelings erupt, boys become people to fear and girls become people to envy, while once loyal childhood friends become intimidating strangers. It was all very chaotic, but to add onto all of the chaos and teenage angst, unlike my other female peers whose teenage years seemed to lovingly welcome them with wider hips and first kisses, my hostile introduction to adolescence consisted of an unwelcome growth spurt and severe acne. The height is something I grew to (pun very much intended) quite like about myself, but the acne I have immensely struggled with. And having recently turned 20, it's something I would have expected to have learnt to cope with by now, but I'm not quite there yet.

Due to having acne and struggling with my general appearance I've become socially anxious and deeply insecure. Having to do 'simple' things like making eye contact, taking pictures with friends, participating in class, having conversations, going out, and most terrifying of all, looking in the mirror, are things I find extremely difficult and impossible at times. Overtime I've also developed an overwhelming fear of being judged, it's become so paralysing that the mere thought of doing anything that consists of me leaving the house and meeting other people usually results in a panic attack. I've convinced myself that if I go to a party no one will talk to me because of my acne and I'd feel out of place, that if I agreed to go on a date with some guy whose never actually seen me in person he'd ghost me after and I'd die of embarrassment or that my friends are only my friends because my 'ugliness' makes them feel better about themselves. So, instead I decided to live vicariously through my imagination, novels, movies and music rather than in reality to avoid interactions and situations I thought would be painful and uncomfortable.

I admit, I definitely do overreact in certain situations, but there are times I have noticed people talking to me or treating me a certain way because I have acne. Not intentionally, but subconsciously, when people find someone attractive they tend to treat them a bit 'better' than someone they find unattractive, and having acne is seen as an unattractive feature by most people. Sometimes we're overlooked for a multitude of biased reasons or because of certain traits we have that are deemed as flaws, especially as a female in this society a woman's entire self-worth seems to solely rest on her looks so we tend to be critically judged.

I've also noticed that I've become addicted to hating myself and being negative, it's strange because most things humans are addicted to make you temporarily feel good. But ironically enough I've found there is something comforting about thinking everyone I meet will judge and hate me or that I won't try dating because no guy would ever find me attractive. It's easy to be sad. And as Mark Manson puts it in 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck', "it's easier to sit in a painful certainty that nobody would find you attractive, that nobody appreciates your talents than to actually test those beliefs and find out for sure". Actually putting myself out there would be me confronting my own desirability, and that really scares me because I want everyone to like me. But being constantly sad and negative quickly becomes draining, and there is so much more to me and everyone else than what meets the eye, judgment is inescapable and I have no control over how I'm perceived. Having acne really sucks, but I can't keep fantasising I have clear skin because the reality is I don't, but my value isn't any less because of it. And I would never judge or be rude to someone based on how they look, so it's time I start treating myself the same way.