Self Hatred

My mum and I used to love watching talent shows when I was younger. A vivid memory I have is of one when I was 9 and I saw a girl who wasn't much older than me singing on "X Factor", she had a style I really liked, my curious eyes were partiularly drawn to her edgy hair which had blue and pink highlights in it, after telling my mum how much I loved her hair we came to the exciting conclusion that I'd get blue and pink braids during the holidays. The holidays came and my mum kept her word, I was convinced I was the coolest, prettiest 9 year old to ever exist with my vibrant new hair. Unfortunately, the feelings of excitement gave way to feelings of regret when I'd gone for a walk with my mum and we passed by a group of random girls who had some unkind words to say about my appearance. I remember all of this because it was the first time I truly understood the concept of judgment and how unfair, unpredicatble and uncontrollable it is. It was then that I realized a stranger who knows absolutely nothing about me could think less of me simply based on my physical appearance and other qualities they might dislike that I had no control over. The thought of that was petrifying. I felt like I had experienced a shocking epiphany that would alter my life forever. I suddenly became self conscious and the love I once had towards my hair quickly vanished. I now hated it, I mostly hated myself for getting it. After that, the way I percieved myself changed, and nothing ever felt quite the same (not to be dramatic or anything).

The first time someone comments negatively on a certain feature you have or lack, a seed of insecurity is ruthlessly planted in the most vulnerable parts of you. One day you just dislike your hairstyle, the next day you decide your face would look a lot better if your nose was smaller, and then you question if you'd be prettier if your eyes were bigger or if your skin didn't have so much ance. Before you know it that seed has grown, you've watered it with comparison, self depricating comments and too much time on tik tok. The seed has spread and now infected things you previously felt quite confident about. You've gone from disliking a small feature to questioning your whole existance. The concept of self hatred often confuses me, how is it possible for someone to feel such deep negative emotions about themselves? How have I grown to dislike the face I've known my whole life? Why am I being so hard on myself for things I have no control over? I spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror, more time than I'd like to admit trying to convince myself that there is beauty in the reflection I am looking at, but I'm hardly convinced.

Having started university last August, and being around people who are radiantly beautiful, smart, charismatic and social, my self hatred has gotten worse and I've found myself being so paralysed by it and struggling to attend class or go to the dining hall to eat. I've also found myself using my acne as a scapegoat for anything that goes wrong in my life. If someone is mean to me I tell myself I probably deserve it because I'm 'ugly', if I feel like I've been unfairly graded by a lecturer in class I come to the conclusion that she probably didn't like me because my acne distubed her or when I started university and was struggling to make friends I convinced myself that it was because no one wanted to be seen with someone who looks like me. I think it goes without saying that I'm drowning in a sea of self pity which ironically enough, makes me hate myself even more! For some reason I have decided that being unattractive means that I deserve nothing good. Oddly enough I have never experienced bullying or anyone explicitly making fun of my acne neither have I been called ugly or unattractive by anyone other than myself. So all of these thoughts I have about my inferiority stem from overthinking and me just being cruel to myself which I will admit I'm a pro at now. Unlearning all of these beliefs I've curated about myself since I was 9 is proving to be difficult but in a world with so much hate already, I really can't afford to hate myself anymore.